Indoctrinated

Was it when my sister's boyfriend gave me the Epic Mickey Wii game for Christmas without any prompting from either me or my sister? Was it when I DVR'd the Disney Park Christmas Parade and was miffed when my family didn't want to watch it with me. Was it when I put The Black Cauldron at the top of my Netflix queue just to see if it was as bad as people say it is? (It's not that bad!) Was it when my friend emailed me a New York Times op-ed titled "Who Killed the Disneyland Dream" and wrote "How could I read this and not think of you?" Was it on Christmas Eve after a third glass of Sauvignon Blanc watching my family's concerned expressions as I started a sentence "Well, Walt's original plan for Epcot was..."? Was it being stranded at the airport during the biggest snowstorm in years and thinking "Thank God this isn't happening when we're going to Disney." Was it reading an 800 page biography of Walt Disney and getting a little pissed off that the last 150 pages were footnotes? Was it writing my travel agent and telling her how jealous I was that she was getting to go on the Dis Unplugged Podcast Cruise? Was it going to the theater to watch Tron Legacy and thinking there was a chance I might enjoy it? (It's HORRIBLE)

What was the point of no return?

13 days until Disney.

Touring Plans

When someone visits Disney World, he should not wander aimlessly through the park, haphazardly entering queues and hoping for short wait times. If he does, he will invariably spend the better part of each day walking back and forth between the ropes, experiencing no more than a handful of rides each day. His resentment will increase during his vacation, and he will leave Florida not with the magical memories promised by Disney's marketing department, but with a deep seated hatred towards the parks, his family, and especially Don Rickles.

This is what the creators of touringplans.com have me believe in any case. And I have no reason not to trust them. Started by the guys behind The Unofficial Guide, touringplans.com has taken advanced level statistics and computer geek stuff and applied them to the central frustration in life theme parks, waiting too goddamn long in goddamn lines.

And though I have trouble keeping my bedroom clean or remembering which day my garbage is picked up, I will happily plan a vacation months in advance. So this site is basically like porn, though slightly less free (less than $10 for a year subscription - I forget exactly how much) Let's say you're visiting Disney World from January 9th-14th, 2011 (I AM!).  They'll tell you which parks are most and least crowded each day you're there. Then after you decide which parks to visit, you can then find out how long the lines for each ride is expected to be during every hour the park is open. And they also have lists of touring plans that tell you which order to visit the attractions based on how much time you're spending and how you want to tour the parks (with kids, old people, or lazy assholes who want to sleep in.)

Okay... so we get in just before 10am on Sunday, so we'll check into our hotel and then spend the afternoon and evening at the Magic Kingdom (open til 11 for people who are staying at a Disney hotel!) On Monday we'll spend the day at Hollywood Studios, which will also be open late for Disney hotel guests. Tuesday we'll spend the morning at the Animal Kingdom, then take a bus to the Boardwalk and walk to Epcot, hanging out in World Showcase. Wednesday, it's back to the Magic Kingdom for the full day before riding the monorail and having dinner at the Polynesian Resort. Thursday we'll head over to Epcot again, touring Future World for almost the full day before dinner. Friday we'll play by ear. Our plane doesn't leave until 7pm and I don't want to overplan or annoy my boyfriend or anything. He's being really great about my adult onset autism.

Watching "Tangled"

So this post isn't technically about planning my vacation, but all the podcasters recommend watching Disney movies as part of the spiritual and emotional preparation for visiting "The World," so I took John to an opening day afternoon screening of "Tangled," the 50th full length animated movie in Disney's canon.

Now one would think that the Wednesday before Thanksgiving would be a big day for movies, and since Tangled had just come out, I thought it would be best to get to the theater a good hour before show time in order to secure our tickets. John smiled and nodded when I told him we would be leaving this early, and the slight hint of bemused judgement in his eyes did little to dissuade me from my excessive punctuality. When we made it up to the 3rd floor of the 34th St. multiplex, we were greeted not by masses of little girls in princess outfits and their tired mothers, but by a nearly empty theater inhabited only by two old queens and the cleaning lady. "Well, at least we got good seats," I said, cheerfully.

I came of age in a weird time in the Disney chronology. The animated movies that came out when I was a child the mid '80s were the forgettable "The Great Mouse Detective" and the terrible "Black Cauldron," neither of which my parents took me to see. I was seven when "The Little Mermaid" came out, a film no seven year old boy will admit to liking, let alone memorizing the words to "Part of Your World" in his swimming pool. By the time the "boy friendly" Aladdin and The Lion King came out, I was a pre-teen and preferred artsier fare. I do remember going to theatrical re-releases of some of Disney's classic films.  As a little kid my parents took me to Cinderella, Pinocchio and 101 Dalmatians. I lasted for about five minutes of Sleeping Beauty before my mother ushered me out of the theater screaming and crying. What? Maleficent is SCARY.

Tangled is a clear attempt to hearken back to the classic Disney films, before Pixar's nuanced characters and Dreamworks' noxious parodies render the brand completely obsolete. And the movie works for the most part. Despite its obvious cribbing of past success, the story is fun, the tone sincere without too much senimentality, the voice actors proficient, and the look beautiful. The 3D actually enhances the animation, and the mix of computers and hand drawing is seamless.

Is this the dawning of Disney's 3rd (or is it 4th) golden age? Who knows? Now that Disney has acquired Pixar and is not just distributing their movies, they don't really need another golden age.

And no new Disney song will ever be able to top this one.

Disney Podcasts

The hosts of WDW Today.

Go to the iTunes store. Search "Walt Disney World".  Filter by media type for podcasts. It's completely overwhelming. There are literally hundreds of podcasts, at least a dozen of which are updated daily or weekly, devoted to Walt Disney World and Disney in general. It would seem an impossible and mentally destabilizing task to try to keep up with them for a couple of months. It would involve hours a day of listening to amateur radio hosts with no media training and a terrifying array of regional American accents speak at length about minutiae so insignificant it would cause a normal person to rip the earbuds from his head.

I'm completely addicted. I don't know why. I have a desk job that allows me to listen to whatever while I do my work, and this is how I choose to fill my time. It started innocently enough. I was reading The Unofficial Guide to Walt Disney World and it mentions that one of the authors, Len Testa, cohosts a Disney World planning podcast called WDW Today. I thought I'd check it out. It was very informative and pretty entertaining. None of the hosts work for Disney directly, but they all make their living from something related to "The World."  At the time I'm writing this WDW Today has recorded 802 podcasts on every conceivable subject from attraction and resort reviews to interviews with Disney employees and enthusiasts. They also have weekly shows devoted entirely to answering listener emails and monthly live shows where they answer questions on the air.

The four hosts are all middle aged straight married men to whom Disney is the central focus of their lives. It would be easy to dismiss them as kooks, fanatics, cases of arrested development. And maybe they are. But to me, listening to their sober, thorough analysis of every detail of Disney parks and products, they just seem like experts in their chosen field.

And this brings me again to my central question. Why are thousands upon thousands of people devoted to these theme parks in a way that I've never heard anyone speak about Paris, London, or New York? Why do men and women with families and professions spend all their disposable income on continuously visiting the same place year after year? Why do people pick up their lives and move to Orlando to be closer to "the magic?" I guess I won't know until I go again.

Am I potentially going to become one of these people? I really want to go back to Europe. I want to travel to Asia and South America, places I've never been. I truly would love to see the world. Is it possible that after this trip, I'll just scrap all those plans and start saving for another Disney vacation? I really doubt it. But these guys seem pretty happy.

WDW Today led me to The WDW Fanboys Podcast which led me to Betamouse which led me to WDW Radio which led me to the Be Our Guest Podcast and so on and so on. It's never ending.

Not Live Blogging Splash Mountain

At any given time, at least one attraction at Disney World is closed for refurbishment. If I remember correctly, the last time I was there It's A Small World was closed, which was only a minor tragedy. A classic ride, yes, but not on too many people's top 10 lists. Unfortunately in January 2011, Splash Mountain will be undergoing its annual face lift and I won't get to ride it.

Splash Mountain is the best ride. Not the best ride at Magic Kingdom, not the best ride at Disney World, just the Best Ride. For those who've not experienced it, it's a flume ride themed to Disney's 1946 Song of the South, a movie best remembered today for its grotesque racism classic tune "Zippity Do Da." I honestly don't know what the movie is even about since it was never released on video. I vaguely remember the story from a Disney picture book I had as a child, and I believe Br'er Rabbit keeps picking fights with a fox and a bear, and somehow a Tar Baby is involved.

The story is incidental to the ride, which is a masterpiece of tone and pacing. Press play on the video at the top of this post.

0:30: Start by getting into one of the logs and and floating down a lazy river, where you meet Uncle Remus who, while an grandfatherly black man in the original story, is now an animatronic frog (less racist?)

0:49: Ride around outside for a little while, listening to jaunty songs and meeting various cute woodland creatures.

3:45: You then go back in the mountain and meet Br'er Rabbit, who gets into a series of increasingly dangerous predicaments, all the while maintaining an attitude of hubristic non-chalance.  The tunnel becomes darker, and the incessant laughing moves from charming to sinister.

Now ordinarily in these dark rides there is anticipation in the unknown. The rider doesn't know what is coming next, and is bracing himself for whatever, be it turn, loop, or drop. The genius of Splash Mountain is that you know EXACTLY what is going to happen, as you have been watching logs drop out of the mountain every 30 seconds for the last hour you've been standing in line.

6:32: The ascent up the inside of the mountain, accompanied by a scary choral soundtrack and a pair of vultures who sneer "time to be turning around, if only you could."

7:01: Then the drop, which is admittedly a little short, but satisfying plot-wise.

8:20: You survived, Br'er Rabbit survived, and now you go in the mountain one more time and see a riverboat with 75 animatronic animals singing a reprise of "Zippity-Do-Dah."

They are not messing around.

Gotta Get Those ADR's

One thing that I'm really surprised about is the popularity of all the restaurants in the parks. When I went to Disneyland as a kid we would always just grab a quick burger and head back over to Mr. Toad or wherever, but things have gotten serious. Disney World now takes reservations at all their sit down restaurants 180 days in advance. That's six months. And some of them fill up instantly. To put that in perspective, one of the fanciest restaurants in New York just announced that they would only take reservations one month in advanced (as opposed to two) because "people just don't plan that far ahead."

Now the hardest ADR (Advanced Dining Reservation in Disneyese  - apparently "reservation" is too vague for the average Disney diner who's usual Saturday night restaurant frustrations amount to having to guzzle a Strawberry Creamsicle at the Cheesecake Factory bar before their booth is ready) in Disney World is Le Cellier, a steakhouse in "Canada" at Epcot.  The place is completely booked a half hour after the phones open at 7am, 180 days before any given day. You're screwed if you live on the West Coast, though some psychos will undoubtedly wake up at 4. OK, look at this menu taken from allears.net. 

Entrées

Pan-Roasted Chicken Breast - served on a Cassoulet of white beans, wilted spinach, and a fragrant consumme $21.99

New York Strip Steak - topped with bercy butter and served with Gruyere Yukon Gold Potato Gratin $34.99

Salt-crusted Prime Rib - with Roasted Yukon Potatoes finished with au jus and horseradish cream sauce $25.99

Coffee-rubbed Kansas City Strip Steak - with hazelnut butter and cream cheese mashed potatoes $32.99

Spice-crusted Pork Chop - with rosemary polenta and endive-citrus salad $23.99

Veal T-Bone - with black bread "Pazanella" salad and Banyuls vinaigrette $36.99

King Salmon Two Ways - Pan-seared and poached served with a fried brown rice tempura roll $23.99

Le Cellier Mushroom Filet Mignon - with wild mushroom risotto, white truffle and herb butter sauce $34.99

Sautéed Potato Gnocchi - with grilled eggplant, cherry tomatoes, pesto broth, and parmesan cheese $19.99

Brioche-crusted Pacific Halibut - with a sweet pea ravioli, carrots, and a white wine-butter sauce $23.99

Did you fall asleep? First of all, please tell me what any of this has to do with Canada. Secondly, when the FIRST ENTREE on the menu is Pan-Roasted fucking Chicken Breast with a "fragrant consumme" you are definitely in airplane territory. 

Now many of the podcasts I've been listening to (Yes I've been listening to many podcasts. I'm sick.) swear by this place. They love the filet, they love the chocolate moose (I know). It goes to show you that when these people want to have an "ethnic" meal in World Showcase, Canadian is the ethnicity they're most comfortable with. But they probably know what they're doing. It's not like the Moroccan food at Restaurant Marrakesh is anything but completely shitty. I'm hedging my bets and booking one night in "Italy" and one night in "Mexico." Even terrible Italian and Mexican food is pretty good, and after a few shots at La Cava de Tequila that plate of chili cheese nachos will look fantastic. Besides, who do you have to blow to get a table at Le Cellier?

Staying at a Moderate

There's a lot of lingo one has to learn planning a Disney vacation. If you decide to stay on property (a must for those of us without a car) you have to choose between 23 resorts and three price categories. My options dwindled considerably when I learned that our free dining promo (more on that later) was only good at "Moderate" resorts. The only other time I went to Walt Disney World, my friend and I stayed at a "Value" resort.  Value resorts are like giant, brightly colored Motel 6's with hundreds of kids running around and their bestretchpantsed mothers waddling after them. Ours was nominally themed after previous decades in pop culture. We stayed at The '90s, so there were giant cell phones and roller blades attached to the massive buildings. The 80s had Rubix Cubes and so forth. "Deluxe" is the third and fanciest category.

This time we are staying at Port Orleans Riverside, one of the four Moderate resorts. There are 2,048 rooms at this hotel in two sections. Disney describes it this way:

          Disney's Port Orleans Resort – Riverside was inspired by rural Louisiana and is nestled alongside the picturesque Sassagoula River. You'll feel welcomed back to a time and place where everything seems to move a little slower and simple pleasures flourish like magnolia blossoms in the springtime.

            Be surrounded by the tranquility of the Louisiana Bayou as you enjoy the hospitality of a picturesque waterfront Resort hotel that embodies the traditions born of steamboat travel, formal garden parties, and mint juleps on the front porch. Take a romantic carriage ride down a shady lane, dine on delicious Southern favorites or simply sit back and relax and let the cool waters of the Sassagoula River glide by.The Guest rooms at Disney's Port Orleans Resort – Riverside are divided into 2 distinctly themed parishes: the stately white-columned Magnolia Bend "mansions" and the quaint backwoods "cottages" of Alligator Bayou.

Now I'll preface this by saying that I grew up in a very politically correct time and place (Northern California in the 90's,) but isn't this whole theme just a little... racially insensitive. In protest I have decided to request a room in "quaint backwoods" Alligator Bayou with the underprivileged majority and forgo my place in the Magnolia Bends mansions. Also, apparently Alligator Bayou is closer to the bus stop.

This romanticizing of the Antebellum South is not unique to Disney, but it does highlight the fetish for "The Simple Past" that is all over Walt Disney World. Obviously, this is all part of the fun, to step into times and places different from our own, and I'll enjoy "sippin' mint julips on the front porch" as much as the next gay guy. But there are people who will come and stay here without thinking about the historical context. At all. And they'll probably request to stay in the Mansions.