Watching "Tangled"

So this post isn't technically about planning my vacation, but all the podcasters recommend watching Disney movies as part of the spiritual and emotional preparation for visiting "The World," so I took John to an opening day afternoon screening of "Tangled," the 50th full length animated movie in Disney's canon.

Now one would think that the Wednesday before Thanksgiving would be a big day for movies, and since Tangled had just come out, I thought it would be best to get to the theater a good hour before show time in order to secure our tickets. John smiled and nodded when I told him we would be leaving this early, and the slight hint of bemused judgement in his eyes did little to dissuade me from my excessive punctuality. When we made it up to the 3rd floor of the 34th St. multiplex, we were greeted not by masses of little girls in princess outfits and their tired mothers, but by a nearly empty theater inhabited only by two old queens and the cleaning lady. "Well, at least we got good seats," I said, cheerfully.

I came of age in a weird time in the Disney chronology. The animated movies that came out when I was a child the mid '80s were the forgettable "The Great Mouse Detective" and the terrible "Black Cauldron," neither of which my parents took me to see. I was seven when "The Little Mermaid" came out, a film no seven year old boy will admit to liking, let alone memorizing the words to "Part of Your World" in his swimming pool. By the time the "boy friendly" Aladdin and The Lion King came out, I was a pre-teen and preferred artsier fare. I do remember going to theatrical re-releases of some of Disney's classic films.  As a little kid my parents took me to Cinderella, Pinocchio and 101 Dalmatians. I lasted for about five minutes of Sleeping Beauty before my mother ushered me out of the theater screaming and crying. What? Maleficent is SCARY.

Tangled is a clear attempt to hearken back to the classic Disney films, before Pixar's nuanced characters and Dreamworks' noxious parodies render the brand completely obsolete. And the movie works for the most part. Despite its obvious cribbing of past success, the story is fun, the tone sincere without too much senimentality, the voice actors proficient, and the look beautiful. The 3D actually enhances the animation, and the mix of computers and hand drawing is seamless.

Is this the dawning of Disney's 3rd (or is it 4th) golden age? Who knows? Now that Disney has acquired Pixar and is not just distributing their movies, they don't really need another golden age.

And no new Disney song will ever be able to top this one.

Disney Podcasts

The hosts of WDW Today.

Go to the iTunes store. Search "Walt Disney World".  Filter by media type for podcasts. It's completely overwhelming. There are literally hundreds of podcasts, at least a dozen of which are updated daily or weekly, devoted to Walt Disney World and Disney in general. It would seem an impossible and mentally destabilizing task to try to keep up with them for a couple of months. It would involve hours a day of listening to amateur radio hosts with no media training and a terrifying array of regional American accents speak at length about minutiae so insignificant it would cause a normal person to rip the earbuds from his head.

I'm completely addicted. I don't know why. I have a desk job that allows me to listen to whatever while I do my work, and this is how I choose to fill my time. It started innocently enough. I was reading The Unofficial Guide to Walt Disney World and it mentions that one of the authors, Len Testa, cohosts a Disney World planning podcast called WDW Today. I thought I'd check it out. It was very informative and pretty entertaining. None of the hosts work for Disney directly, but they all make their living from something related to "The World."  At the time I'm writing this WDW Today has recorded 802 podcasts on every conceivable subject from attraction and resort reviews to interviews with Disney employees and enthusiasts. They also have weekly shows devoted entirely to answering listener emails and monthly live shows where they answer questions on the air.

The four hosts are all middle aged straight married men to whom Disney is the central focus of their lives. It would be easy to dismiss them as kooks, fanatics, cases of arrested development. And maybe they are. But to me, listening to their sober, thorough analysis of every detail of Disney parks and products, they just seem like experts in their chosen field.

And this brings me again to my central question. Why are thousands upon thousands of people devoted to these theme parks in a way that I've never heard anyone speak about Paris, London, or New York? Why do men and women with families and professions spend all their disposable income on continuously visiting the same place year after year? Why do people pick up their lives and move to Orlando to be closer to "the magic?" I guess I won't know until I go again.

Am I potentially going to become one of these people? I really want to go back to Europe. I want to travel to Asia and South America, places I've never been. I truly would love to see the world. Is it possible that after this trip, I'll just scrap all those plans and start saving for another Disney vacation? I really doubt it. But these guys seem pretty happy.

WDW Today led me to The WDW Fanboys Podcast which led me to Betamouse which led me to WDW Radio which led me to the Be Our Guest Podcast and so on and so on. It's never ending.

Not Live Blogging Splash Mountain

At any given time, at least one attraction at Disney World is closed for refurbishment. If I remember correctly, the last time I was there It's A Small World was closed, which was only a minor tragedy. A classic ride, yes, but not on too many people's top 10 lists. Unfortunately in January 2011, Splash Mountain will be undergoing its annual face lift and I won't get to ride it.

Splash Mountain is the best ride. Not the best ride at Magic Kingdom, not the best ride at Disney World, just the Best Ride. For those who've not experienced it, it's a flume ride themed to Disney's 1946 Song of the South, a movie best remembered today for its grotesque racism classic tune "Zippity Do Da." I honestly don't know what the movie is even about since it was never released on video. I vaguely remember the story from a Disney picture book I had as a child, and I believe Br'er Rabbit keeps picking fights with a fox and a bear, and somehow a Tar Baby is involved.

The story is incidental to the ride, which is a masterpiece of tone and pacing. Press play on the video at the top of this post.

0:30: Start by getting into one of the logs and and floating down a lazy river, where you meet Uncle Remus who, while an grandfatherly black man in the original story, is now an animatronic frog (less racist?)

0:49: Ride around outside for a little while, listening to jaunty songs and meeting various cute woodland creatures.

3:45: You then go back in the mountain and meet Br'er Rabbit, who gets into a series of increasingly dangerous predicaments, all the while maintaining an attitude of hubristic non-chalance.  The tunnel becomes darker, and the incessant laughing moves from charming to sinister.

Now ordinarily in these dark rides there is anticipation in the unknown. The rider doesn't know what is coming next, and is bracing himself for whatever, be it turn, loop, or drop. The genius of Splash Mountain is that you know EXACTLY what is going to happen, as you have been watching logs drop out of the mountain every 30 seconds for the last hour you've been standing in line.

6:32: The ascent up the inside of the mountain, accompanied by a scary choral soundtrack and a pair of vultures who sneer "time to be turning around, if only you could."

7:01: Then the drop, which is admittedly a little short, but satisfying plot-wise.

8:20: You survived, Br'er Rabbit survived, and now you go in the mountain one more time and see a riverboat with 75 animatronic animals singing a reprise of "Zippity-Do-Dah."

They are not messing around.

Gotta Get Those ADR's

One thing that I'm really surprised about is the popularity of all the restaurants in the parks. When I went to Disneyland as a kid we would always just grab a quick burger and head back over to Mr. Toad or wherever, but things have gotten serious. Disney World now takes reservations at all their sit down restaurants 180 days in advance. That's six months. And some of them fill up instantly. To put that in perspective, one of the fanciest restaurants in New York just announced that they would only take reservations one month in advanced (as opposed to two) because "people just don't plan that far ahead."

Now the hardest ADR (Advanced Dining Reservation in Disneyese  - apparently "reservation" is too vague for the average Disney diner who's usual Saturday night restaurant frustrations amount to having to guzzle a Strawberry Creamsicle at the Cheesecake Factory bar before their booth is ready) in Disney World is Le Cellier, a steakhouse in "Canada" at Epcot.  The place is completely booked a half hour after the phones open at 7am, 180 days before any given day. You're screwed if you live on the West Coast, though some psychos will undoubtedly wake up at 4. OK, look at this menu taken from allears.net. 

Entrées

Pan-Roasted Chicken Breast - served on a Cassoulet of white beans, wilted spinach, and a fragrant consumme $21.99

New York Strip Steak - topped with bercy butter and served with Gruyere Yukon Gold Potato Gratin $34.99

Salt-crusted Prime Rib - with Roasted Yukon Potatoes finished with au jus and horseradish cream sauce $25.99

Coffee-rubbed Kansas City Strip Steak - with hazelnut butter and cream cheese mashed potatoes $32.99

Spice-crusted Pork Chop - with rosemary polenta and endive-citrus salad $23.99

Veal T-Bone - with black bread "Pazanella" salad and Banyuls vinaigrette $36.99

King Salmon Two Ways - Pan-seared and poached served with a fried brown rice tempura roll $23.99

Le Cellier Mushroom Filet Mignon - with wild mushroom risotto, white truffle and herb butter sauce $34.99

Sautéed Potato Gnocchi - with grilled eggplant, cherry tomatoes, pesto broth, and parmesan cheese $19.99

Brioche-crusted Pacific Halibut - with a sweet pea ravioli, carrots, and a white wine-butter sauce $23.99

Did you fall asleep? First of all, please tell me what any of this has to do with Canada. Secondly, when the FIRST ENTREE on the menu is Pan-Roasted fucking Chicken Breast with a "fragrant consumme" you are definitely in airplane territory. 

Now many of the podcasts I've been listening to (Yes I've been listening to many podcasts. I'm sick.) swear by this place. They love the filet, they love the chocolate moose (I know). It goes to show you that when these people want to have an "ethnic" meal in World Showcase, Canadian is the ethnicity they're most comfortable with. But they probably know what they're doing. It's not like the Moroccan food at Restaurant Marrakesh is anything but completely shitty. I'm hedging my bets and booking one night in "Italy" and one night in "Mexico." Even terrible Italian and Mexican food is pretty good, and after a few shots at La Cava de Tequila that plate of chili cheese nachos will look fantastic. Besides, who do you have to blow to get a table at Le Cellier?

Staying at a Moderate

There's a lot of lingo one has to learn planning a Disney vacation. If you decide to stay on property (a must for those of us without a car) you have to choose between 23 resorts and three price categories. My options dwindled considerably when I learned that our free dining promo (more on that later) was only good at "Moderate" resorts. The only other time I went to Walt Disney World, my friend and I stayed at a "Value" resort.  Value resorts are like giant, brightly colored Motel 6's with hundreds of kids running around and their bestretchpantsed mothers waddling after them. Ours was nominally themed after previous decades in pop culture. We stayed at The '90s, so there were giant cell phones and roller blades attached to the massive buildings. The 80s had Rubix Cubes and so forth. "Deluxe" is the third and fanciest category.

This time we are staying at Port Orleans Riverside, one of the four Moderate resorts. There are 2,048 rooms at this hotel in two sections. Disney describes it this way:

          Disney's Port Orleans Resort – Riverside was inspired by rural Louisiana and is nestled alongside the picturesque Sassagoula River. You'll feel welcomed back to a time and place where everything seems to move a little slower and simple pleasures flourish like magnolia blossoms in the springtime.

            Be surrounded by the tranquility of the Louisiana Bayou as you enjoy the hospitality of a picturesque waterfront Resort hotel that embodies the traditions born of steamboat travel, formal garden parties, and mint juleps on the front porch. Take a romantic carriage ride down a shady lane, dine on delicious Southern favorites or simply sit back and relax and let the cool waters of the Sassagoula River glide by.The Guest rooms at Disney's Port Orleans Resort – Riverside are divided into 2 distinctly themed parishes: the stately white-columned Magnolia Bend "mansions" and the quaint backwoods "cottages" of Alligator Bayou.

Now I'll preface this by saying that I grew up in a very politically correct time and place (Northern California in the 90's,) but isn't this whole theme just a little... racially insensitive. In protest I have decided to request a room in "quaint backwoods" Alligator Bayou with the underprivileged majority and forgo my place in the Magnolia Bends mansions. Also, apparently Alligator Bayou is closer to the bus stop.

This romanticizing of the Antebellum South is not unique to Disney, but it does highlight the fetish for "The Simple Past" that is all over Walt Disney World. Obviously, this is all part of the fun, to step into times and places different from our own, and I'll enjoy "sippin' mint julips on the front porch" as much as the next gay guy. But there are people who will come and stay here without thinking about the historical context. At all. And they'll probably request to stay in the Mansions. 

Your Dreams Unlimited Reservation

Being a travel agent seems to me to be a losing proposition. Everybody just checks Kayak. Of course Disney and the people who love them are a generation or two behind, and so there are dozens of agencies with names like Mouse Savers and The Magic For Less promising tourists the lowest rates for visiting "The World." I'd like to say I chose Dreams Unlimited because it sounded a little classier than Mouseketrips, but it wasn't that thought out.

I've been relatively happy using them, I guess. Beth, my "Personal Planning Vacation Consultant" promises that she "travels to WDW several times a year and have a good working knowledge of the parks, restaurants and resorts." The thing is, she hasn't told me anything I can't find online or in a book. What's nice is that I can send her specific, politely demanding emails and she has to answer me affirmatively and promptly.

Exhibit A

Hi Beth,

So I started to do a little research about The Port Orleans and I was wondering if it's possible to request a room with a river view. 

I'll let you know which restaurants we want to book next week.

Thanks,
Bryan

Port Orleans is the resort we decided on, and I thought if we were going to stay there we might as well have a river view. Not too much to ask.

Exhibit B (after a week's more research on the Port Orleans)

One more request for our stay at Port Orleans. It seems like a huge property, so I'd like to request a room that is relatively central and close to bus transport.
1st Choice: Alligator Bayou Buildings 14, 15, 16, or 18
2nd Choice: Magnolia Bends Building 90 South Side or Building 95 North Side. 

This is more important than my previous request for a river view. If they can do both, awesome! But if not, I'd take proximity over scenery.

Proximity over scenery. A practical if not particularly romantic philosophy. 

We'll see if Beth comes through. Her emails are friendly in a vague way, as if she is the personal planning vacation consultant of thousands. She does sign her emails with the standard Disney "Have A Magical Day!"

Definitely generic, probably insincere, and somehow still endearing.

The Unofficial Guide

 
It's published twice a year. It's 854 pages. It has chapters on everything from character dining to "Disney World At Large," ie "Am I too fat to get on this ride?" The Unofficial Guide: Walt Disney World 2011 was the largest and most imposing of the Disney guide books at Barnes & Noble, and there's no way I'm getting through all of it. I can definitely skip the chapters Walt Disney World with Kids (not happening), Shopping in and out of Walt Disney World (I doubt I'll even buy a t-shirt), and Special Tips for Special People (special is rarely a compliment). Most of it looks pretty useful. There are maps of the parks and reviews of all the hotels resorts, rides attractions, and restaurants.

The best part of the book are touring plans for all the parks to minimize the time you spend in line queue (I have no idea why the aggressively American Disney company uses British vernacular.) This is a neurotic tourist's dream. I now know that when I enter Disney Hollywood Studios, I immediately run to Toy Story Mania (the hot new attraction), then head to Tower of Terror and Rock 'n' Roller Coaster. If all goes according to plan (the authors assure us it will,) I will have ridden all three popular rides within the first hour of park opening and then can relax.

I tend to overplan whenever I go on vacation, but somehow it seems more appropriate at a place as controlled as Disney World.  Imagine going to Paris and saying "I'm going to run to the Louvre, and then hit the Jardin Des Tuileries and Monmartre before 11." But Disney rewards the compulsive, and there's a certain peace that comes with knowing exactly where you'll be and what you're doing every moment of the day. You don't have to decide anything or think much at all. And maybe that's what I need on this vacation.

Origins

When I was a kid I had an uncomplicated relationship with Disneyland.  I grew up in the Bay Area, about six hours north of The Happiest Place On Earth, so my family would drive down every couple of years or so. It was fun. I loved riding the rides, seeing Mickey, and eating lots of ice cream. I didn't think too deeply about it.

Everyone grows up and starts thinking about the world a little differently. I ended up going to college in New York, and staying there after I graduated. I've traveled a fair amount both domestically and abroad, and like to think of myself as educated and my worldview as reasonably cosmopolitan.

I live in Brooklyn, ok? I can sometimes be a bit of a cultural snob. It's not something I'm proud of. Well, not that proud of anyway.

In August, my boyfriend John suggested that we should plan a vacation together.  It was a difficult time. My father had just passed away after a long battle with cancer, and though John and I had only been going out since June, he flew out to California to be there during my dad's memorial service.  Pretty amazing.  So of course I'm like "Yes I'll go on vacation with you." I wanted to go some place relaxing, where I didn't have to think that hard and we could just have fun together. But that was the end of the conversation for the time being.

A few weeks ago, I was talking to a friend who is planning a vacation at Walt Disney World down in Florida. As soon as I heard the words "Disney World," my mind started racing. I felt visceral pleasure, like waking up on Christmas morning. I booked a hotel and bought plane tickets the next day.

Then I had a crisis of confidence. Though John seemed excited to go, I thought he might think less of me for suggesting it for our first vacation together. I mean, let's be real. It's Disney World. Vacation destination of obese Republican families and old ladies from Arkansas who think Times Square is still full of rapists. Symbol of American provincialism and mediocrity, a celebration and deification of a corporation that has peddled middle-of-the-road entertainment, implicit and explicit racism, and a dangerously simplistic view of good and evil for the past 75 years.

Eh, whatever. It's fucking fun. My vacations at Disneyland are some of the best memories of my childhood, and the one time I went to Disney World as an adult I had a blast. This is going to be awesome.