Indoctrinated

Was it when my sister's boyfriend gave me the Epic Mickey Wii game for Christmas without any prompting from either me or my sister? Was it when I DVR'd the Disney Park Christmas Parade and was miffed when my family didn't want to watch it with me. Was it when I put The Black Cauldron at the top of my Netflix queue just to see if it was as bad as people say it is? (It's not that bad!) Was it when my friend emailed me a New York Times op-ed titled "Who Killed the Disneyland Dream" and wrote "How could I read this and not think of you?" Was it on Christmas Eve after a third glass of Sauvignon Blanc watching my family's concerned expressions as I started a sentence "Well, Walt's original plan for Epcot was..."? Was it being stranded at the airport during the biggest snowstorm in years and thinking "Thank God this isn't happening when we're going to Disney." Was it reading an 800 page biography of Walt Disney and getting a little pissed off that the last 150 pages were footnotes? Was it writing my travel agent and telling her how jealous I was that she was getting to go on the Dis Unplugged Podcast Cruise? Was it going to the theater to watch Tron Legacy and thinking there was a chance I might enjoy it? (It's HORRIBLE)

What was the point of no return?

13 days until Disney.

Touring Plans

When someone visits Disney World, he should not wander aimlessly through the park, haphazardly entering queues and hoping for short wait times. If he does, he will invariably spend the better part of each day walking back and forth between the ropes, experiencing no more than a handful of rides each day. His resentment will increase during his vacation, and he will leave Florida not with the magical memories promised by Disney's marketing department, but with a deep seated hatred towards the parks, his family, and especially Don Rickles.

This is what the creators of touringplans.com have me believe in any case. And I have no reason not to trust them. Started by the guys behind The Unofficial Guide, touringplans.com has taken advanced level statistics and computer geek stuff and applied them to the central frustration in life theme parks, waiting too goddamn long in goddamn lines.

And though I have trouble keeping my bedroom clean or remembering which day my garbage is picked up, I will happily plan a vacation months in advance. So this site is basically like porn, though slightly less free (less than $10 for a year subscription - I forget exactly how much) Let's say you're visiting Disney World from January 9th-14th, 2011 (I AM!).  They'll tell you which parks are most and least crowded each day you're there. Then after you decide which parks to visit, you can then find out how long the lines for each ride is expected to be during every hour the park is open. And they also have lists of touring plans that tell you which order to visit the attractions based on how much time you're spending and how you want to tour the parks (with kids, old people, or lazy assholes who want to sleep in.)

Okay... so we get in just before 10am on Sunday, so we'll check into our hotel and then spend the afternoon and evening at the Magic Kingdom (open til 11 for people who are staying at a Disney hotel!) On Monday we'll spend the day at Hollywood Studios, which will also be open late for Disney hotel guests. Tuesday we'll spend the morning at the Animal Kingdom, then take a bus to the Boardwalk and walk to Epcot, hanging out in World Showcase. Wednesday, it's back to the Magic Kingdom for the full day before riding the monorail and having dinner at the Polynesian Resort. Thursday we'll head over to Epcot again, touring Future World for almost the full day before dinner. Friday we'll play by ear. Our plane doesn't leave until 7pm and I don't want to overplan or annoy my boyfriend or anything. He's being really great about my adult onset autism.