Touring Plans

When someone visits Disney World, he should not wander aimlessly through the park, haphazardly entering queues and hoping for short wait times. If he does, he will invariably spend the better part of each day walking back and forth between the ropes, experiencing no more than a handful of rides each day. His resentment will increase during his vacation, and he will leave Florida not with the magical memories promised by Disney's marketing department, but with a deep seated hatred towards the parks, his family, and especially Don Rickles.

This is what the creators of touringplans.com have me believe in any case. And I have no reason not to trust them. Started by the guys behind The Unofficial Guide, touringplans.com has taken advanced level statistics and computer geek stuff and applied them to the central frustration in life theme parks, waiting too goddamn long in goddamn lines.

And though I have trouble keeping my bedroom clean or remembering which day my garbage is picked up, I will happily plan a vacation months in advance. So this site is basically like porn, though slightly less free (less than $10 for a year subscription - I forget exactly how much) Let's say you're visiting Disney World from January 9th-14th, 2011 (I AM!).  They'll tell you which parks are most and least crowded each day you're there. Then after you decide which parks to visit, you can then find out how long the lines for each ride is expected to be during every hour the park is open. And they also have lists of touring plans that tell you which order to visit the attractions based on how much time you're spending and how you want to tour the parks (with kids, old people, or lazy assholes who want to sleep in.)

Okay... so we get in just before 10am on Sunday, so we'll check into our hotel and then spend the afternoon and evening at the Magic Kingdom (open til 11 for people who are staying at a Disney hotel!) On Monday we'll spend the day at Hollywood Studios, which will also be open late for Disney hotel guests. Tuesday we'll spend the morning at the Animal Kingdom, then take a bus to the Boardwalk and walk to Epcot, hanging out in World Showcase. Wednesday, it's back to the Magic Kingdom for the full day before riding the monorail and having dinner at the Polynesian Resort. Thursday we'll head over to Epcot again, touring Future World for almost the full day before dinner. Friday we'll play by ear. Our plane doesn't leave until 7pm and I don't want to overplan or annoy my boyfriend or anything. He's being really great about my adult onset autism.